This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
