there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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