3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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