mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
