This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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