Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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