True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So squirting runs in the family.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
