i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
