I think my vagina is haunted
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
