I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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