Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
