peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
