At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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