Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He did a backflip because drugs
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