OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
organizing the empties. That sober.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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