my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
