Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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