I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
