I think im going to throw up on grandma
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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