i may or may not be watching the land before time
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
