rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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