Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
