my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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