i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
