I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
