So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
