Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
