A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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