He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
