i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
