dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
