having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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