MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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