i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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