New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
