Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
