I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
