I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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