The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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