you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
