I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
