You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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