I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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