im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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