Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
