My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
