i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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