he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
