in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just had sex on a roof
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
