What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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